You know, I forget I have this....
Sometimes I think I enjoy that I forget this. Because that means that everything that has ever happened to me remains a distant memory. Forgetting this is forgetting so much of my past and silly endeavors... Life is boring. I'm so tired of the ordinary and usual. I want something to change, something BIG. At a certain point in life, after you've woken up at the same time every single day. Do the same thing, eat the same thing, see the same people. Even if you find joy in those things. It gets to be so very boring.

I do hope things change soon, hopefully it will be an end of an era...

Life seems so beautiful this early in the morning, before the world is awake. Before the days chaos has began and everyone is still asleep. Today's hassle's have yet to begin and it almost seems for a second they may never begin. The world at peace. It's an amazing thought, that doesn't come often. The morning commute yet to start, the day is endless this early. A million chores, with a million seconds in the day for them to be completed. Sleep seems like a crutch at this point. Enough coffee and blow, and I could be awake for ever, or at least until the day ends. And even with the million of check marks I, or anyone for that matter could make, still, will never complete us. The endless tasks all leading down to one, which some days I don't believe I'll ever check. Why do all the right things not lead to the things I want. The most perfect angel, yet still incomplete. Maybe it's to early to dream of unattainable things. I love I love and I love. I seem to love the ones who never decide to love me back.....

Life can be so fucked up sometimes, and I think that we deal with it horribly.... We have problems, that a new town, a new life, can never fix. Problems that an entire bottle of whiskey could never solve. Avoiding our problems, hiding our problems, can never end our struggles. Another shot of patron, another line of coke can never take away the feelings we have. It can only mask them under abuse hardships and pain. Lying to ourselves, and drinking ourselves into stupor every night can never bring us better days. Our wounds no matter how grand or small, can not be suppressed. Pain is simply conquered through time.

Life is fucking hard, and honestly it fucking sucks, there is no individual that can say they understand our problems. We can only understand our selves and realize, that life is short. & there is no time, and no place for people in our lives for others that can not better us. Humans are a dependent race, no matter the opposition. We need others in our lives to survive, at the very least.

Turning the page, is amazingly hard, two in a half years of lies, two in a half years of wasted time, two in a half years of time, that is taken away.

Sometimes there are no answers to our questions, and it is extremely important that we become aware of that.






Anyways.....
I've been trampled and stepped on once again, and its sad that I couldn't learn the first time, or the second time, or maybe even the third time. Only father time can teach us the lessons we should have learned decades ago. I can only forgive and forget, because I know holding a grudge, will prove nothing. I can only accept that not every person is a decent human being. That not everyone has compassion and sometimes love is just never enough. & it's sad that that is how I justify it. But that's how I justify everything. Life is a consensus based on trust. & sometimes you can't trust everyone you meet, because sometimes they will walk all over you, no matter how much you give up, no matter how much you sacrifice.

If my entire year has any correlation with my new years night.... It's going to fucking suck.

Life is sad sometimes, I am sad sometimes. Some days I look at myself and don't see that I have much to show for myself. Sure I have the things I want and make the money I need but in the end does that stuff really matter? Life is about love and some days I am so loveless. I watch all these stupid movies and read all these dumb books, where the underlying story is about love. But what about those of us who fall in love alone, the one sided affair. We fall in love with someone who doesn't nor will ever love us back. & the sad thing is that we know that. We know we are in love alone. That we would give anything for that person & yet they would give nothing to you in return. & I look at this fact and ponder the ways to change it. & I've pondered & pondered. & honestly, I give up. I give up trying, I give up caring. I'm over the one sided love affair. I'm ready for the one sided sex affair.... Really though, that is the only thing that we obtain from the opposite sex that we truly want.

Oh fuck it, I'm done being philosophical.

Somewhere between the procrastination, the homework, the friendships, the nasty cafeteria food, the calls to old friends, the "I miss you"s, the "I love you"s, the "What are we doing tonight?"s, somewhere between all of the changing and growing up, the skipping classes, the studying for tests, the pretending to be studying for tests, & the downright NOT studying for tests, I forgot. I forgot what it meant to cry, I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy. I forgot that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart, & that pretending to be ok doesn't make you ok. I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future. I forgot that you can't control falling in love, and that you can't make yourself fall in love. I learned that it's okay to mess up, it's okay to ask for help, & it's okay to feel like crap for no reason at all. I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day...somehow they'll make it all better. I learned that sometimes the things you want most, you just can't have. I learned that sometimes the things we forgive and forget are the things which we most need to talk about. I learned that letters from friends are the most important thing, and that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better. I learned that not all friends are forever, and you will eventually get screwed over, but you will learn who your true friends are and you must remember to be grateful for them. But, basically, I just learned that my friends, both old & new, are the most important people to me in the world.

Sometime i really don't understand why we do the things we do. Why do i cling to a man who has no care for me. It's so silly. The human race is such an odd thing. If the fire is hot we touch it even though we know it will burn. Maybe it's because we enjoy the thrill of being in the moment more than the plain it causes afterward......
Sometimes i hate life much more than I love it. I mean i thank god for the things that have happened that have brought me here today. But I'm so sad that I've left my childhood behind. I'm tired of being mature, and paying my bills. and yah I know, that's life, but fuck I'm 19. I am supposed to live at home, I am supposed to live off my parents, I am supposed to raise hell and do everything I shouldn't, but I don't. I sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could.
I mean I miss my mom, I hate myself, that I am not there everyday to say hi to her. I hate that she called me today and I didn't answer and I haven't called her back. I miss that shes not down the hall anymore just in case i needed her. I hate fighting the world alone. Life is silly. the was things work, and don't work.

the way we look when we think no ones watching.
as i sit here in the philidelphia airport at 430 AM i am amazed at love once again. 
as i look across the terminal i notice a very young couple, the young boy pretends to read a news paper, while the woman stares out the window. it is amazing that love is awake this early while i still am not. it is interesting to watching the boy let his paper down just enough to gaze and his lady. and that look in his eyes, its not like a look i have ever seen before, not so much a lust but, an ever longing need, a something in his life that he will want forever.

im kinda tired of my old drama, im tired of measuring myself up to others and wondering what i did wrong. i saww the holiday on the way home from atlanta on the plane. wonderfull movie...

" I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms."


i dont know why im still bothered by it. i mean look at me im kinda seeing someone, ive always got something to do, some party to go to, my phone always rings off the hook and still somehow im partially unsatisfied. i think its because its human nature to covet the things we can not have. and the funny this is, that ya i am over it. and no i would never want him back. its just that i cant seem to understand that how a person so low so inhuman can have such wonderfull things and people in their lives. that the first thing you ever did was evil and wrong, and you still end up happy in the end. i strongly believe in Karma, and life has always balanced for me in the past, but lately its like i must have done something very wrong. maybe chads right, that i just dont understand truely how many fish there are in the sea. maybe its that i worry too much and that i analyze the things i shouldnt. but sometimes it just hard not to. maybe i should just let go of everything and try to stay away from the matters of the heart. you know they say no shame, no glory, and ya ive got shame and ive got glory. but sometimes i just dont think the glories worth itt. my stories my endless stories..... cause you know i am the pantless wonder! ahh enough of this, ill just give up for a while. oh & btw i told jonah that i want to "see" him. cause i cant do what were doing now. my heart cant withstand those pains anymore.


ya
later.

"Consider God's handiwork; who can straighten what He hath made crooked?"
do you ever hear the bump in the night, and wonder who it is. or when you pass someone by and smell that familiar scent. i dont anymore. i sleep soundlessly again i suppose for a multitude of reasons. mostly bad, but none the less they are still reasons. i have finally begun to believe in chances. for we will have nothing if we do not give it a chance. ikm finally over everything. it took me to see you doing to another what you did to me to finally realize my mistakes, and i am so thankfull for them. or maybe its that i have alot more secrets than i used to. im putting my name to shame. i have stories that would make people faint, and to think, this is simply the begining. oh it is so amazing to look back att everything. and then to look forward. im unsure if its worth it. but its consuming, and that, is certainly good.

no mas

no fucking mas.

so i was going through my wallet tonight, and found something that i guess i never realized that i kept in there for luck. The first thing is a picture of my Opa my grnadfather who killed himself back in 04. and theres a prayer on the back of the picture. it makes me sad, sad that time has passed so quickly, and we forget so easily. i miss him with all ive got and im still jealous sometimes in a messed up sort of way. and the other thing in there is a peice of steno paper with two quotes. im not sure what they meant to me at the time, but ive never taken it out of my wallet. one side sayys ::
some people have a full measure of life
and some watch it slowly
drip away
but if you gather it all up in one place at one time
you can accomplish something glorious.
and the other side is soemthing i remembered saying to zach while we were still dating.
it says:

and even though you think no one likes you, you got someone to fall on

it makes me sad and happy all at the same time. happy because of the things ive experienced in my life, and sad because of the things ive lost throughout the years.
but anyways. spring break is coming up. and i was talking to taylor the other day, and he says to me, im getting fat, and this is supposed to be our prime, and look at me. it just made me think, that really. this is supposed to be our prime, we are supposed to be the happiest and in the best shapes of our lives, and ive been neglecting myself lately, complaining that im too busy to get my ass to the gym. but its gonna change. i saw alex over the weekend again. it just made me smile. and then Levi from work, made my day so much better on monday. so so so so much better. and then shaun and chris asked me to be their valentine. and turned them down. i hate februray. absolutely. wow. valentines day is tomorrow. completely spaced on that one. i just want it to be over with, it would be nice. im tired of wasting my time on my sleepless nights going over the millions of what ifs in my life. its so time consuming and so wastefull.
anyways

happy valentines day

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.
i just think sometimes they forget themselves.

so today? it was long and pretty much sucked. someone asked me out to dinner today, it was quite flattering. little self esteem booster. i love my World Religions professor, im way excited for the new semester. Sonya just got out of jail today, so we will have to see if she gets fired or not.... dun dun dun. i pretty much dont give a ****. all i know is i have saturday off and that is wonnnnnddddeeeerrrfull. sean is supposed to has is deck done and we a supposed to throw a party, i hope so it would be niccce. plus i miss anthony. my sheep. ahhh i dont know.

my new caaarrrr!!!

so. my job, is wonderfull. Ive made enough money, that im buying a new car next month, right after christmas. last day of class is next thursday. life is hard. but like tristan said. people lie...things go wrong....shit happens...but life goes on. such truth. i find it interesting, that when we are in a rut in life, that that is usually all we can see. we dont see others, we dont see our lives. we see our problem. i wish the world was a better place. my aunt julie died two days ago. Cancer, it took 6 months. she has three daughters. Chelsea Kinsey and Keeley. Celsea and Kinseys real Faher David died a few years back. They are all alone orphaned. its just sad the way the world turns sometimes. My mom told me that Chelsea after her mom died told Kinsey that she wished it would  have been her that died. the funeral is in a few days. society just amazes me.

so i take back the peter thing. i guess im still in this rut. i guess ill have to wait for january : (

i went and say ray lamontagne last night. absolutely amazing. he closed his show with this song. amazing. he was such a wonderfull quiet man, someone i would love to know.

i think im starting to like peter, not really a surprise but no one knows....




Can I stay here with you til the morning
I am so far from home
And I feel a little stoned
Can I stay here till the morning
There’s nothing I want more than to wake up on your floor

Lay with me in your thinnest dress
Fill my heart with each caress
Between your blissful kisses
Whisper darling is this love

Can I stay here with you till day breaks
There something you should know I ain’t got no place to go
Can I stay here with you till the day breaks
How happy it would make me to see your face when I awake

Lay with me in your thinnest dress
Fill my heart with each caress
Between your blissful kisses
Whisper is this love

Can I stay here with you through the night time
I’ve fallen sad inside
And I need a place to hide
Can I stay here with you through the nighttime
I’m all alone and blue
Won’t you take me to your room

Lay with me in your thinnest dress
Fill my heart with each caress
Between your blissful kisses
Whisper darling is this love
Whisper to me is this love